i'm 26 years old.
umm... when did that happen?
it's mid april.
i have 5 days to get my taxes finished.
i've never only had 5 days to get my taxes finished.
i smirk at people who wait until the last minute to do their taxes.
you know that smirk, the one given while silently wondering why anyone who doesn't think they will owe money would want to wait so long to get their return back.
but whatever, i don't like to judge.
more to my point - i have no idea where the first quarter of this year went. i feel like i've suddenly awoken from a dream, and not necessarily a good one either. (though, things could be worse.) i've been in that half sleep half slumber mode for the last couple months - you know - aware. yet still not in a state to do anything about it. then the sun peaks through the crack in curtains and blinds me, i glace at the clock and realize how much of my productive day has been wasted while sleeping in & bam! the clouds from dreamland part.
at this point i'm having a hard time figuring out the universe's plan.
as i look back over the last year of my life, i hardly recognize the person that was living my daily life. sure there are spurts here or there, and don't get me wrong, i haven't been living in a hole of depression by any means, but only about 15% of my plan took form. which means, i'm choosing to believe that means 85% of the universe's plan filled in the gaps. i am fighting the urge to gain control over the plan. i'm a planner. or i like to think i am, at least. i like lists.
my plan: take a year off, dump savings into traveling in asia for a few months, do a lot of yoga, go to chicago to get my yoga teacher certification, read a lot of inspiring books, relax, love life, and then take it from there... perhaps win the lottery and do some more traveling, who knows, i can only plan so far ahead.
universe's plan: take a year off, travel to idaho and unpack, enter dreamlike state, get a serious ankle injury, struggle to keep a yoga practice, coach club soccer, have a lot of alone time, dump savings into starting a business, build the business and then watch it stare mockingly awaiting me to actually do business, read the hunger games and harry potter (not exactly the kind of inspiring that i had in mind originally), walk around seemingly aimless, attend yoga retreat and start to wake up. the plan continues i'm sure of it, but that's all i've gathered so far.
this is where the WHY comes in. when did all of this happen and why? my plan looks wayy better!
my brain wants answers. now.
but even as i sit here typing all of this madness out, my heart is steady.
somehow i have started to detach my need for a plan. somehow i trust that even though my saving account is the lowest i've seen it in 6 years, i don't need it to be higher. somehow my soccer team taught me more over the last year than my yoga practice did. somehow it doesn't matter why. i can't have yesterday's moments back, and i don't know what tomorrow's moments will bring. it's cliche for a reason. i only have this moment, so i can wonder why over the past or worry away my future, or i can just trust and enjoy this moment.
in my new found clarity of leaving dreamland i'm putting together ideas of how i want to take advantage of my moments. as previously stated, i have a love for lists; i think more clearly as i write things down. i have a large pile of notebooks hanging out on my bookshelf. i keep journals of thoughts and such. you get the idea. normally i'm the only person that reads these things, which is why i'm the only person who knows how funny i am. plus, i feel most people would have a hard time following most of my thought process, but if you've made it this far then i guess i'm doing alright. anyway, a friend of mine (who also blogs over yonder) told me i need to start blogging again. so if your interested in sharing my moments then you can stop in anytime. i don't promise i'll write often, but i'll write more than once year. after all, i do have the time now.
first thing on my list: do taxes.
namaste ♥
